Healthbolt

17 opinions for Is It Time to Break Up with Your Vibrator?

• Mikeachim
  Sep 16, 2007 at 9:34 am

  Kinda makes me wonder, as technology gets more and more advanced, if some people will choose to separate recreational sex and dating.
  (I don’t think that’s a completely ludicrous statement, although it is a bit crazy on the whole).

  Mind you, I don’t think female sex toys will have moved to the next level until someone releases a battery-powered tongue.
  ;)

• Sara
  Sep 17, 2007 at 10:17 am

  Oh, my friend, someone has already done it. Happy googling! :)

• steve
  Sep 17, 2007 at 12:10 pm

  Although vibrator/sex toy addiction really is a myth, the phenomenon of ‘overstimulated’ sex organs to the point of having a noticeable lack of orgasms through ‘conventional stimulation’ (that is, traditional, no-toy sex) is relatively well-documented. There are many reports (of course, from unconventional sources) of folks from either gender, but most frequently female, who had to rely on devices to experience an orgasm.

  Moral of the story: keep extra batteries in the house at all times.

• Sara
  Sep 17, 2007 at 12:16 pm

  “Moral of the story: keep extra batteries in the house at all times.”

  Ha!

  Regarding desensitization, I’ve heard about that (so I read Feministe…). ;)

• kei
  Sep 21, 2007 at 7:51 am

  if vibrator addiction is a myth, and masturbation is healthy, then what is the point of this article?

  “hi guys! milk is really good for you, you know? it builds strong bones, hair, and skin! and it tastes great! but if you start drinking too much milk, you might put on a little weight. and if you start drinking ONLY milk, why, you’re cheating yourself out of all the other awesome beverages the world has to offer! if you lock yourself in your house and do nothing but drink milk all day and all night, well, you might end up with some social problems!”

  I mean, no shit, right? patronise much? please. men are actually the ones who have problems with solo-sex addiction. many men get ‘used’ to using rough hand motions when masturbating, and because the average vagina can’t simulate that level of stimulation, these men have a hard time orgasming from partner sex.

  but, no… better to concentrate only on female masturbation. because it’s ever so much more interesting to play on society’s fears of female sexuality, isn’t it?

• Sara
  Sep 21, 2007 at 9:22 am

  Hi, Kei,

  I’m sorry this post made you angry. If you read my comment policy, you’ll see that all you have to do is ask me if there is an issue in a post you’d like covered in further detail. No post can be the definitive end-all be-all of a given topic, so if you have a request (say, you feel a post about male masturbation is in order), I’m certainly happy to explore the topic and write about it if you simply ask.

  I take issue with your last line, however. Let me get this straight: if I’d written about male masturbation, we’d be fine, because the male side of this issue is way more important, apparently, and how dare I write a post about something from a woman’s point of view. (?) But because I chose female masturbation, that means I am intentionally disregarding men’s sexual health AND apparently am also devious and manipulative as I plot ways to play into society’s fears? News to me. Here I thought I was just writing a post inspired by a stimulating dinner conversation the night before with six female friends (pardon the pun).

  By the way, many women also have trouble climaxing from partner sex. Both men and women deserve fair treatment when it comes to sexual health. So if you want me to cover an issue related to men’s sexual health, just ask, Kei! All you have to do is say “This article was no help to me and I couldn’t relate to it at all. I don’t like it. Could you do a post covering men’s sexual health?”

• Mikeachim
  Sep 21, 2007 at 10:03 am

  Kei:

  Firstly, ’society’s fears of female sexuality’ - I think you’re confusing ‘fears’ with ‘enlightened knowledge’, which has come from articles like this one. The only ones who ‘fear’ female sexuality are old-school bigots and misogynists. I wouldn’t go generalising ’society’ like that, lest society turns round and bites your ass off.

  Secondly, never assume that men don’t want to know more about female masturbation techniques. It’s in a guy’s best interests (see episode of Friends which involved the phrase “tickertape parade”).

  Ta.

• kei
  Sep 22, 2007 at 12:32 am

  Sara,

  my first impression of this post is that it was slyly pushing the “masturbation is dangerous for girls (but not for guys)” agenda without actually committing itself to explicit statements or supportive facts. so people who already think women shouldn’t be masturbating (for whatever reason) would read this article and feel justified: “uh-huh, see, I KNEW it was dangerous!”; meanwhile people like me who think female masturbation is just fine and dandy wouldn’t be able to argue with any specific part of the article, since it is overall pretty wishy-washy and doesn’t say much except “too much of anything is a bad thing”.

  I tried to convey that impression with my milk analogy, but I was in a bitchy mood last night, and I’m sorry that I went overboard. (I actually like this blog a lot and it was lame of me to make such a bitchy first post on it, so I’m sorry!) you’re right when you say that if this post were about only men I probably would have rolled my eyes and been like, “great, another article on male masturbation!” but, yeah, I think it would have been better if this post were about the dangers of constant masturbation to BOTH men and women, since masturbating constantly probably has similar effects on both.

  Mikeachim, I am not sure I understand your first point. I *did* mean “fear of female sexuality”. if you think people are no longer squeamish and nervous when talking about this topic, I disagree. I mean, you heard about the woman who was recently asked to leave an airplane because she was dressed too sluttily, right? and the Denny’s (or TGIF? can’t remember) nurse-in in response to yet another freak-out over a public breast-feeding? if this isn’t “fear of women’s sexuality”, what is it?

• Sara
  Sep 22, 2007 at 12:42 am

  Kei,

  I’m so glad you came back. Thanks for writing that. I’ve certainly been guilty of being bitchy on blogs from time to time - so no worries! I like your idea about a post dealing with both men’s and women’s sexual health issues.

  I admit the post was a little “wishy washy” in the sense that it was really just me writing some thoughts based on my own personal experiences/friends. I try to break up the news and informative stuff with more personal posts from time to time so the blog isn’t dry and voiceless. Fortunately, there’s plenty more to cover when it comes to masturbation! Suggestions are always appreciated! ;)

• Sara
  Sep 22, 2007 at 12:44 am

  By the way…what was up with that woman? I didn’t think her outfit was “slutty” at all. Too much misogyny these days.

• Mikeachim
  Sep 22, 2007 at 5:08 am

  Hi again, Kei.

  I agree that there are individuals, even groups, who still have an issue with the increasing openness of both female sexuality and sexuality in general. (This includes religious groups). Some of them even fear it.

  But you’re using the word ’society’. Which society? I’m presuming you’re referring to Western society.

  Western society includes me, you, Sara, every contributor and reader of this site, and so on. By saying ’society’ you’re lumping everyone together. Then you’re saying we all fear female sexuality. Even if you’re doing it on averages, you’re saying that most of us fear female sexuality. I don’t see that as correct at all.

  You used a couple of items from the news, such as the women dismissed from an airplane because of what she was wearing which was deemed by somebody too sexually provocative.

  The news doesn’t report things that everyone does already. The news reports things that are *contrary* to what normal people do. Why was it news? Because journalists knew this was a *story*, ie. most people would find it outrageous. Nearly everyone, in fact.

  But the other issue I have with this is that isolated news stories should never be used as indicators of trends across society. So I don’t believe it’s correct to use those two news stories to support your argument or my argument either.

  It’s just that I know a lot of people here in the UK and across the world (thanks to the Internet!) and there’s nobody I call a friend who is opposed to the openness of female sexuality. Such people exist, but there aren’t many, and there’s less every year. They don’t represent ’society’.

• just another guy
  Oct 18, 2007 at 12:43 pm

  Greetings,

  It seems my partner is at that point in her life where she would like to have our friend the vibrator join in on the fun… oh no! Please before anybody feels the need to shoot me down and call me some paranoid anti-vibrator common nus ens, i just want to mention that i am really not trying to insult anyone in any way. This is also an opportunity for me to work through my thoughts. Perhaps i am a paranoid when it come to this type of thing…..Well here it is. So my partner has asked me if she can buy a vibrator. My first reaction is, oh no…! why this now…. (in my head). Basically i said to her that i am not comfortable with the idea, i don’t see the point.
  Well i really don’t i must be totally honest. Here is the thing, i am 24 for crying in a bucket on the border of 25… she is basically the same age. We have been together for 3 years (actually engaged for a while now). Even that is strange for me, we not even married yet, we are 24 years of age and for some or other reason we need to get Mr. metallic involved….. Damn does that make me worry, where are we going to be in 10 years from now. As i mentioned i said to her that i am not so comfortable with the idea and after a bit of bickering with me saying things like, i not happy with the idea and her saying i am selfish and all that - you are being selfish and don’t care about my needs, and you are being your usual closed minded self and i have to deal with it, kinda idea, that is totally unfair. I do care about her needs, i really do. what must i say, ok go ahead , in the back of my head i can’t stop thinking about the new bed friend when i am travelling? it will drive me next to nuts. Yes, i travel sometimes for a week at a time, does this really matter? doesn’t being apart make the heart grow fonder? Anyway, so she mentioned basically two things, 1) she can keep herself stimulated , especially when i am away, which would keep and increase her drive 2) it will add a bit of spice to our sex life.

  so after some discussions and the stupid part of the discussion(heated) was over and we really spoke about it, i basically concluded that i am not ready for this type of thing yet (lets give it some time), i said would not push her into something she is not comfortable with, which is totally true. She agreed and said that i should read up about it. so i have and i am even posting something for others to read…. So anyway let the story continue, well our sex life…. this is an interesting topic, as with all relationships in the beginning things were Bouncing, literally. we tried some things , watched some videos we were busy. just for the record she was my first - me not hers. So it eventually got to the point where things started calming down on her side… so then i was the over eager one at that point in time. she said that i should realise that i have a high drive and it cant always happen, we not talking 3 times a day here (OK perhaps that did happen when everyone was game). in general i accepted the fact that i probably had i high drive and that i should learn to deal with it. so i tried and masturbated more… anyway it got to the point where,she would say to me, look if you want it stop messing about and come get it, show some confidantes , just because of the fact that you subtly trying a little of this and little of that is a turn off. ok i understand, back to the bathroom for me.
  While this was going on i also tried to figure out if she was masturbating, yes she was, i little bit of a surprise for me considering we still young lovers and having sex Maye once every two weeks or so, why don’t you save the masturbation for me, i could possibly give you a hand. Anyway we always spoke about what we should do and hardly ever actually did it. you know played these games where people earn points during normal days which can be used later on in the bed room anyway they hardly ever worked out. We were having sex, just not as often as i would have liked at that point in time, come on, i was still a virgin at the age of 21… when things got started i really needed it…you know. Here is another thing, i just mentioned that i was a virgin at the age of 21, lets just say i was not saving sex for marriage, the point is i was scared to death of the whole idea….i suppose scared of being judged, you know scared of being turned down… that kind of thing. Well anyway she brought that out of me, cause she was the very confident one, and so in the beginning it was easy, she made the move and boy did i follow…
  So when it got to the point where she slowed down and i still had a high drive, i really battled cause now she was calming down and i still did not have he best experience of showing that ‘confidence’. I asked her to please help me, show me how you want me to approach you, even when i am messing about take me, put me where you want me to be or where i should be lets say. Anyway, i don’t think that really materialised. So while this was still going on we kinda got wrapped up in travelling, we moved immigrated and there was just so much going on, we continued to try and have sex here and there, and well things started calming down for me (we were also having some problems), well it has calmed down for me especially over the last year or so… our lives have been crazy busy but we kept on communicating on the topic and still had sex, when needed…etc etc. Except now, perhaps i am exhausted from the last year/ year and half of running around and moving here and moving there, back and forth. Also during that patch she picked up a bit of weight and that kinda also calmed the sex down, not that i was not interested, i think she lacked confidence during that period and due to my bad approaching skills and the fact that i calmed down a bit…. things were going, you know, but slowly. So after a bit of settling down now and my partner lost some weight she is gaining some confidence back. this is putting her more in need than I because i am still exhausted, i never turn her down, except when it is inappropriate (in terms of where we are, kind of thing), where in the past perhaps i would have taken that opportunity.

  So now yes i am travelling a bit lets say for every 3 weeks i am away 1 week. i masturbate and i know that she does too( i have no problem with this) . i don’t know why we cant bring it together… someone once said ’so you are basically out of sync’ and well that does actually seem to be the case as well, i am sometimes up later than she, and she gets up earlier than me. so i think sometimes we kinda miss the opportunities but anyway. We are still always talking about it and being open and keeping things going but the fact is that we are not yet on par. so now one would say, then a vibrator is an excellent idea…. As i have mentioned, i am still perhaps a little to conservative when it comes to sex. We have tried some things but its , done a bit of this and that,look there is some things that i just wont do and i am honest because some things do make me feel guilty because i have this constant ‘battle in my mind’ about what is natural and what is not. So we watched some ‘movies’ its hard to concentrate at that point in time but then a little while after, i have this quite moral dilemma about whether this is acceptable to me in my lost mind. And well i normally do it again but then kept saying to myself we will stop watching these movies at some point, it will probably always be like. (we stopped watching movies for now) i think it is just due to where we are sexually at this point. so what i am saying is , we will probably get into them when we get back on par and i will have the same moral dilemmas. So she is and can be very experimental, open for new ideas where as i am the (can you believe it, for a male - whats wrong with me) one who is not.

  How is the sex ? its good, and look i am probably not a stallion but i think the only times i struggle to bring her to the big O is when we have not been together for a while. but normally i try all the foreplay things required and sometimes she has already had the big O a few times before i get there (i try do this purposefully) because i want her to be satisfied and happy! We communicate enough, we let each other know how to continue… so lets just say the sex is great. i honestly believe there is no faking going on for a few reasons, for one, i was very adamant with her when i said that she must not fake it, that i would take it as seriously as her lying to me. Forget about the verbal agreement, i can feel it, she tells me when it ain’t gonna happen or when she would really like me to stimulate her further in order for her to have another one.

  There is one thing i have notice and i mentioned this concept before, i think due to where we are sexually at this point, we are not very experimental or sporadically. we stick to the basics, we satisfy each other in a straight forward way, if that makes sense. So here we are, i am still not 100% on top of my game yet, in other words my drive is not the greatest (but the strange thing is i can masturbate sometimes everyday when i am away - (thinking about her only) but when we are together i am kaput, perhaps it is due to the fact that when when we are together again there is so much going on at the same time, that when we actually think about sex, when we are already in dream land. I do however get the impression that her drive is greater than mine at the moment, and that sucks cause i want to get back on track, just not sure what the problem is.

  So anyway, the vibrator… Why is it killing me so much to think about the fact that she will be using it ‘almost (i feel) as a substitute for me’ when i am away?, and then i do, bottom line, feel like this vibrator thing will have more to offer than i. especially now, things are not 100% on track yet and now she will ( i have read the stories) take full advantage of this new toy and when i get back from my travels….ill be “flying solo” yes we can use it in the bedroom, and it will probably make my life easier but i am not happy with the idea that once it has been bought, it will never, ever, go away…. it will always be there and yes i am sure it wont be used all the time. but most people don’t settle for second best, why have an ‘O’ when you can have super O. And then as soon as i am gone its back to little Mr. vibrator who has and endless supply of drive and does not need to stop.

  i have read allot of stories on the web about vibrators and toys, i often feel (and please i am sharing an opinion - I’m not attacking) that the vibrator is defended to the point where woman do make the comments like if ‘hes not happy with it and leaves, guess who will stay’ OK perhaps that was something that was said by some lady that is sick of men complaining about it. you know what, is there not perhaps something behind the idea that allot of men don’t like the idea, and woman defend it. there is always exceptions, those are the ones that are used to defend a vibrator. i have no problem with masturbation provided it is not a substitute.

  why a vibrator? honestly where does one draw the line… i mean if you can use another object to satisfy yourself (and no longer own yourself), i mean why stop there..? anyway this is one part of me is saying to myself.
  Then on the idea of natural, I’m sure they have evidence of people masturbating for many years back but i don’t ever remember reading anything about using a foreign object to satisfy yourself and increase pleasure. (please pleas please, i am not here to insult, i am trying to widen my understanding) i keep apologising, but i will for the last time, i writing here from the perspective that i would LOVE nothing more than for me to have been someone who did not have worry are ask questions about this type of thing. The thing is one cannot help the way that they feel about certain things….sometimes and I’m sure we have all done it, you give in for the sake of keeping other people happy but at the end of the day, you can hind your emotions or feelings to a specific topic or concept but you can fool your mind. The idea is to learn to accept? but that is not the same thing as to enjoy and to want something. Sure, if i felt that i was not doing a decent enough job and we could not strive together on it, then perhaps i would be fine with it. I’m trying to picture myself in the situation, working the vibrator and kinda looking at the sealing and wondering when it will be over. I know it sounds harsh, how do i clear my mind of the way that i feel towards it. We can go together, we can buy together , we can use together but i will only be annoyed with it. Kind off roll my eyes at it when i am alone , or think why did i ever give in to this, now i am screwed cause you cant exactly say, ‘can you stop using your vibrator now’ There must be other people out there that feel the same way….
  What i wonder, would it be OK, under these circumstances for me to get a blow up doll, for when i go away? (not that i am saying i would but i am explicitly referring to the idea of it).

  Like i say im totally fine with masterbation its just i dont understand the rest of it, i am even willing to admit (and i think it is clear by what i have written) that my lover is the more sexually dominant - she is a woman that knows what she wants, the thing is who am i to stand in her way, but why is it needed (especially now - why complicate things more) when we do have great sex and are very open about it….and i feel that it is of vital importance to satisfy your lady as much as she is willing to satisfy you.

  I have a rather straight forward question to ask, if the fact that you use a vibrator bothers your man, and you know that it does, would you continue to use it? and if so why would you continue to use in spite of the fact that it may be hurting or insulting your man?

  Based on the above questions, some ladies can get rather defensive, i have seen this on some other blogs. i am not asking this question to defend or denounce a vibrator. Me being a man (and i am not saying that my lady will not consider my feelings), and lets say i expressed my unhappiness of the vibrator, i am not trying to take something away from you, its all about emotions , feelings and simply not being comfortable.

  I would love to hear some views on this because i am stumped…. i cant get it out of my head, i am even in fear that it would almost kill our sex life but from my side, because of how unsure i feel about the whole idea.

• Sara
  Oct 18, 2007 at 1:12 pm

  Justanotherguy -

  That is one hell of a long comment! I’m going to digest it for a bit. I’m glad you were able to get that all out, and no judgment here.

  But in response to this:

  “I have a rather straight forward question to ask, if the fact that you use a vibrator bothers your man, and you know that it does, would you continue to use it? and if so why would you continue to use in spite of the fact that it may be hurting or insulting your man?”

  No one should ever be in a relationship where you feel controlled, insecure or inadequate - for both parties. If your sexual tastes do not match up, you are simply not currently compatible. You either have to compromise in a way that makes you both genuinely happy, or you have to accept the differences, or you have to part ways.

  Though there are a million reasons under the sun to use or not use a vibrator, do you really think a woman - your woman - is doing this to hurt you? 99% of the time in life, it’s not about you! She’s likely just doing it to feel good. Her feeling good has no bearing on your abilities or your worth or what she thinks of you. Her feelings about you are separate. We can’t control others’ desires and feelings to assuage our own issues. If you have issues with the use of a sex toy, that’s okay - it’s something for you to explore and work through. Just writing all that out hopefully helped you think through it. But remember that people are autonomous beings - their personal preferences and feelings aren’t a judgment on YOU. It’s not about you, baby! :)

• just another guy
  Oct 23, 2007 at 3:50 am

  Hi Sara,

  Thank you for your response….It was definitely good to get it out! :)

  I think compromise is always an option. It’s just a difficult thing when you don’t really see the benefit. What i find strange is that my lady seems to be happy and satisfied; it just boils down to 2 things.
  1) I will be and have been travelling allot.
  2) She feels that it could spice things up a bit.

  Point 1 - I just feel it is not necessary; I am gone for a week at a time (max 2 weeks). We have enough time to make up for lost time.

  Point 2 - as i mentioned we are 24, if we get something like that at this age to spice things up, where will we be in 10 years. We have spoken about this point and it seems that due to our very busy life style that we are very “basic” when it comes to being intimate and we could be a little more variant. I know this, but due to our life style at the moment and the past leading up to today, unfortunately this is the result. I personally feel that things will get back into the swing of things, perhaps she feels that the vibrator will do this. For me, i think we just need to find our groove again and settle down after a long crazy mad rush.

  I know that it is nothing personal or against me, but for me i want it to be clear why it is needed and for me at this point in time, i get the feeling that she has heard from friends of hers how great it can be and further to this, if i am not satisfying her correctly she needs to be open enough to tell me that this is the case. I dont get the impression that she is not satisfied, because we are very open with each other… and as mentioned before she knows what she wants and if she aint getting it, she gonna makes sure you are aware of it. :) Anyway, with regards to your article, i really really really dont want it to become a “habit” or something that is always around , like you say, it is a sure thing, once people have found something good, they dont easily let go of good thing and also they tend to go back for more and more…. with me travelling….. need i say more? this is also a reason for me feeling like it will become a contender in a way. 1 week of power vibrations and then 1 week later a few clumsy touches? who is going to win that battle……?

  Perhaps you can answer this question, with regards to a Woman’s drive - the more they get, the more they want, or the more they get the less they need?

  it just all seems to be for the wrong reasons….anyway.

  We have spoken about this again and we seem to have settled on the idea that i am not ready for it just yet, even though she playfully pushes me for it, i think that she understands, she may not agree but i think she is willing to let it rest for a little…. but for sure we will have to start some variation, this we both agree on…. and i think we are heading in the right direction again!

  Well thank you for hearing me out! Please try and answer my questions, this would really be helpful! Thank you so much! Right, I am off, I have some business to take care of!

• Sara
  Oct 24, 2007 at 4:35 pm

  Regarding Point 1: While your opinion may be that there is a “right” amount of sexual enjoyment, that’s just your opinion. Hers is different. That’s it.

  Regarding Point 2: There is no way to know where you will be in 10 years, but “slippery slope” thinking is fear-based and irrational. Since we cannot predict what will happen, don’t ruin your present by what may or may not (and probably will not) happen.

  If you are worried your touches are clumsy, then LEARN! Make it a fun thing with her - practice makes perfect! :) Schedule fun sessions for learning and experimenting. Make it an exciting game. Read up online for tips.

  With regard to a woman’s drive - every woman (and every human) is different. You seem to have a real concern about sex drive getting either “out of control” or “running out” - this is anxiety on your part and it’s really, really not necessary. Chill, baby! Her sex drive, just like yours, will vary over the years depending on health, feelings, lifestyle, work, children, etc. Just roll with it - that’s life. A little toy isn’t going to change that in any major way.

  You said “it all just seems to be for the wrong reasons” - perhaps you have some deep-seated fears or hang ups about sex and orgasms? You might want to think about that. There is NEVER a wrong reason for an orgasm provided everyone is consenting. What’s wrong about feeling good if it is safe and consenting? I think you are worrying way too much.

  Finally, let me tell you my honest opinion: I think you are suffering from low self-esteem. By worrying about a vibrator and comparing yourself to it, you are literally equating yourself - lowering yourself - to the level of a small machine, a mere toy. Do you think that little of yourself that you would even compare yourself and all that you have to offer to a sex toy? This isn’t a competition or an either/or - it’s a win/win. The smell, taste, weight, emotions, feelings and sensory experience of being with another human is so far beyond the fun of a toy that is merely adding to the enjoyment, you really have nothing to be concerned about. I hope that you will realize you are worth far more than this insecurity and stop making comparisons. I think you should focus on developing your self-esteem and that will help your relationship.

  Best of luck. And remember, advice is cheap :)

• Sara
  Oct 24, 2007 at 4:39 pm

  PS - Please don’t take my post to mean, in any way, that your concerns about habituation mirror my own. While I care about your concerns, my point for this post was very different. I was specifically writing with a comical incident involving some friends in mind, in which we were joking about how being so busy with careers was limiting our time for dating and sex. :)

• married man
  Dec 28, 2008 at 12:46 pm

  Here’s my experience, when we had a vibrator my wife would not orgasm with me. period. I threw it away and now she orgasms reguarly, oral and intercourse. I think it is an excuse to take the easy way out in a sexual relationship. By getting rid of the distraction we learned to please each other in a healthy natural way. I don’t have anything against them, but inclusion of sex toys in our relationship nearly ruined our marraige. Just my personal experience

Have an opinion? Leave a comment:

• Use this area to discover new blogs and content in the b5media network.
• Beauty & Style
• Business
• Entertainment
• General
• Health & Wellness
• Lifestyles
• Music
• Sports
• Team Blogs
• Technology
• Travel & Culture

• Social Web
• E-mail