Male Girdles and Designer Vaginas
While women find new and exciting ways to augment their bodies in the pursuit of perfection, male girdles are flying off the shelves with a flurry not seen since jorts.
Although women have been harnessing themselves in with metal, wires, whale bones, laces, straps, tubes, ties, cups, and padding since some uptight dead guy decided nipples and hienies were offensive, the delight of casual masochism is a new entree in men’s fashion.
Designers normally consider it to be an edgy season if tuxedo lapels are expanded a daring centimeter, so you can just imagine the surge of ecstasy coursing through the fashion world right now at the prospect of this new male wardrobe necessity. And it’s not just male girdles: there are special t-shirts, shaper shorts, and briefs with panels. I love the innovations the obesity epidemic inspires! There’s nothing more exciting than discovering a beer gut under that control tee, right ladies? And I know all you men who’ve experienced the unfortunate dupe-du-muffin-top are with me on this.
But for women - as usual - it’s even better. Forget hair extensions and chemical peels. Forget mani-pedis and Brazilian waxes. Forget spray tans and the sewing on of extra (tinted!) eyelashes and the dying of hair and the insertion of plastic breasts. Even your mom gets Botox and lipo. That’s all just basic maintenance. Designer vaginas? Now that’s actually taking care of yourself!
Vaginoplasty has been used in medically-necessary cases (such as where giving birth has damaged the vagina or in the event of accidents and injury). And for some women with abnormal genitalia, cosmetic surgery like labiaplasty has enabled them to be more comfortable, enjoy better sex, and feel more confident. I think that’s wonderful (and who wouldn’t?). However, vaginal cosmetic surgery - often called “vaginal rejuvenation” - is now being used by women who believe their hoo-hoos are ugly, too plump, or the “wrong” shape. Even more bizarre, many women are having hymens artificially created for revirginizing. But perhaps most disturbing of all, the sweet sixteen rhinoplasty habit of affluent families is old news. It’s all about indulging your teen girl in her quest for a trendier jay-jay because that’s what they do on Californication. As if women weren’t already worried enough about their breasts, buns and thighs, doctors report that psychological anxiety about genitalia appearance is a growing problem. Medical organizations are now issuing warnings.
Blame the internet, blame porn, blame the sexualization of American girls, blame objectification, blame parents, blame our culture, blame airbrushing or HDTV if you like, but what should we do? The old “birds and bees” talk is apparently going to need an overhaul.
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