Health Problems of the Zodiac!
This is for all you hypochondriacs. If you’ve run out of interesting diseases to diagnose yourself with (syphilis is a popular and reliable one, or perhaps dementia is more to your taste), have you considered the health problems associated with your astrological sign?
Astrology is a venerable field of study that explains exactly how the stars, planets and other cosmic thingies revolve around you. The universe is not only concerned with your Romantic Prospects for Tuesday and Possible Workplace Tension for Thursday, but your Health as well.
According to astrology, there are four constitutional types - you are either made of fire, earth, air, or water.
Here’s a guide to the health conditions you are very likely to have if you are a:
Fire Sign (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
You obnoxious, boorish, blustery souls have raging tempers and roaring sex drives. You’ll want to pay attention to your blood pressure, heart disease markers, and prophylactic supply. You are also hot and sweaty all the time, so you’ll want to eat cold foods. Think ice. Whatever you do, do not eat anything spicy, or you will explode everywhere and this will upset the Water Signs greatly. Also, you have a red appearance. Consider foundation.
Air Sign (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
You superficial, shallow airheads are generally thin and attractive but suffer from nervous breakdowns, stupidity and, perhaps worse, you have terrible hair. You like the idea of health but prefer ruffles. You are prone to drowning and suffocation, but since you have a terrible memory and are vapid, you likely wouldn’t remember anyway. Leave the window open and eat croutons.
The Scarlet Pimpernel: Classic Libra!
Water Sign (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Between the crabs, the cancer, the cyclical health woes, the male predisposition to homosexuality, and anxiety attacks, you unpleasant pests are the scourge of the earth - literally. As an aside, you are also prone to yeast infections so you should avoid tortellini. You feel intensely but your pain is usually self-inflicted, you masochistic idiot. In other words, you are pretty much SOL, but you are advised to exercise frequently and eat dry, hot things like sand and rocks. Avoid walk-in freezers and always carry a lubricant. Good luck.
Earth Sign (Virgo, Taurus, Capricorn)
You are dreary and asexual, but this cannot really be helped. Germs even find you boring, so you will likely outlive all your classmates. You would do well in mud. You earth signs have beautiful teeth, which you grind when you sleep. You are sluggish and fat, and worse, you adore paisley. Eat seaweed and do something about that excessive body hair. There are many affordable depilatories that should present an exciting challenge for your budget software of choice. Unfortunately, there is really no cure for a lack of personality, but you might consider a shoulder parrot or festive beret to spice things up.
Isn’t astrology insightful? A lot better than all those scientific “theories”, that’s for sure!
It’s not all fun and games, now. On the agenda this week at Healthbolt:
The Great Shoe Debate (how much support is necessary?)
News Updates, Natch
A Little Love for the Girls (hate thighs? must read)
Junk Food That’s Not
No Child Left Behind: a Health Proposal
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